Hell hath no fury as a Cullen scorned
by Torie Rilistkrytcat
Summary: When all of the male Cullens and Jacob follow one of Emmett's ideas, it lands them in VERY hot water with their wives and the girls decide that revenge is in order! After scenarios with hair dye, haggis and hats, the men must earn back their wives' trust.


Disclaimer: I don't own Twilight

**BELLA POV**

"Where is EMMETT?" Rosalie hissed. I had to admit, their absence was killing us. How long had it been since we'd last seen them?  
>"Urgh." Alice groaned, flopping down onto the bed. "This was supposed to be <em>romantic<em>. What's the point of a weekend at Isle Esme with our husbands if they've all disappeared?"  
>I didn't answer- I was too busy looking out the window cautiously- but I agreed with Alice. Esme, Rosalie, Alice, Nessie and I were all staying at the secluded little island in different rooms for four days (and lovely nights) with our wonderful husbands.<br>"They're probably hunt-" Esme started to reason. Rosalie whirled around.  
>"Don't you DARE say hunting!" she hissed. "They hunted yesterday before our trip! Besides, Jacob wouldn't be with them if they were."<br>"No- he ate the enormous three trayfuls of breakfast I cooked him this morning." Nessie muttered sourly.  
>"And if Jacob's with them, then I can't see their future..." Alice whispered. "I've checked the Volturi, though, in fact I can get a clear picture of approximately two minutes into the future, and all they're doing is..." She shuddered. "Rubbing venom into the skin on their arms to try and moisturize it. Pretty painful, apparently." she shook her black haired head.<br>"They are in SO much trouble when they get back..." Rosalie growled. The second she broke off, as if on cue, the door opened from downstairs.  
>"JASPER!" Alice squealed and shot down the stairs. We followed stiffly. We really were relieved, but still angry...<br>"OH. MY. GOODNESS!" Alice screeched, just as we walked up to the front hall. Then we all screamed at the same time.  
>They were naked.<br>Totally naked, except for handcuffs and a rose taped badly over their front...  
>"WHAT. HAPPENED?" I snarled.<p>

**EDWARD POV:**  
>"Which way to the florist's?" Jasper surveyed the streets.<br>"Dumb Idea if you ask me." Emmett muttered into the map. "Stupid portugese writing. Why can't everything be in english?"  
>"This is NOT a dumb Idea." I snapped. "It was <em>your<em> Idea to go on this romantic getaway to Isle Esme for the girls."  
><em>Who made Ed-bert Einstein Boss?<em> Emmett thought sourly before looking up. His simple-mindedness was getting annoying. I'd been reading his mind for _decades- _how could he forget? I raised an eyebrow.  
>"Care to explain Ed-bert Einstein to me?"<br>_Don't even want to know._ Jasper thought scornfully.  
>"Well, um.." Emmett looked down.<br>_Stupid know-it-all... Damn it!_  
>I glared at him, snarling under my breath as I sanutered forward, teeth clenched, totally ready to whack him.<br>Carlisle saved the day by yelling out "LOOK! I FOUND THE FLORIST!" We all turned to the small stone shop half hidden by barrells of Flowers. I had to admit, it was quite pretty. Ivy climbed the walls, and the vintage barrels out the front were bursting with roses, daffodils, tulips and lillies.  
>"Wow." Emmett commented. "Didn't know these flowers had even been discovered in portugal. I half expected barrels of roadside weeds."<br>"Nice." I rolled my eyes, stepping into the shop. A beautiful, exotic scent hit me as I walked inside. Carlisle, Jacob (yes, even Jacob) and Jasper all thought about how beautiful it was, while Emmett plugged his nose.  
><em>Eyeeeeeww.<em> He thought. _I'd rather be in a room full of dead, decaying Fish._  
>I rolled my eyes again and stepped up to the counter.<br>"**I'd like five bunches of red roses, please."** I asked the woman at the counter in fluent portugese.  
><em>What the hell did you just say?<em> Jacob asked me in his head. I turned around and recited it in English to the others.  
>"Good choice." Carlisle noted. "Roses are Esme's favourite."<br>"Alice's too." Piped up Jasper.  
>"Yeah, Ness can't get enough of them."<br>I was about to turn back to the counter when Emmett (Surprise, Surprise) stopped me.  
>"Woah, Woah, Woah. Just four bunches. Roses are waaaay to expensive. Besides, Rosalie doesn't really like gifts. She's all like 'don't wate money, it's the thought that counts' and she HATES having money spent on her."<br>"No she doesn't." We all replied in perfect synch, even Jacob, who added;  
>"Blondie loves expensive stuff."<br>Emmett rolled his eyes. "I really hate you all." He muttered angrily, handing me the cost of the roses in portugese money, as did the others. I handed the large sum of money to the woman.  
><strong>"Would any of you like some chocolates to go with them?"<strong> She asked me in portugese. I turned to the others and asked in English- not that our girls would, but Nessie enjoyed chocolate. Jacob handed me a little more money, and I gave it to the woman, who picked up a large box of chocolates and tied them to one of the rose bouquets with a red ribbon before handing the roses to us.  
><strong>"Have a nice day!<strong>" she told us in portugese smiling.  
>"A-blah-blah-blah to you, too!" Emmett grinned. Jasper smacked his face into his palm, and we started out towards the boat. On the way, I picked up a newspaper.<br>_**MAN ARRESTED FOR STRIPPING IN THE STREETS**_. The headline read in portugese. I tutted slightly.  
>"What?' Emmett asked eagerly, looking over my shoulder at the photo of a hairy man with a black square posted over his certain body parts. I showed the others the picture and read out the article, translating it into English for them.<br>"How ridiculous." Carlisle commented. "Come on, let's get back to the island, they'll be wondering where we are."  
>"Wait a second..." Emmett grinned sinisterly and pulled us back.<br>_Stripping in the streets, that seems like fun..._ he thought. I froze- I could sense a bet coming on.  
>The others could too.<br>"I bet fifty, no a HUNDRED bucks that you all won't stri-"  
>"NO!" We all yelled at him, turning away.<br>"Oh, c'mon guys! I mean, the girls don't have to find out, and it would be pretty fun. I mean, you've got to imagine it- some bumbling cops running after five blurs- four white, one russet. COME ON!"  
>"No." We repeated, walking over to the boat.<br>"Okay- Jacob, if you don't do this, I'll tell Nessie about you kissing Bella _twice _a few years ago."  
>"Aw, man, blackmail." Jacob groaned, smacking his face into his enormous palm. "Ness will kill me if you tell her that!"<br>"Renesmee will kill you if you run naked around the streets too- even more, in fact." I reminded him.  
>"But she doesn't have to know." Emmett grinned, looking so smug I wanted to kick him.<br>"Er..." Jacob's russett face was pained as he considered this. _No, Nessie doesn't have to know, and Alice can't see me, so maybe..._  
>I groaned as he nodded sadly.<br>"Excellent." Emmett smiled.  
>"OK!" I snapped at him. "You have one little minion, but there is NO way you can blackmail us all!"<br>"Oh yeah?" _Bella, on the night that you thought Edward was out hunting before your wedding, we surprised him with a proper stag night, lapdancer, cabaret, peep show and all. Oh, you should have seen the way they flirted! _He thought deviously.  
>I gritted my teeth together and snarled- I was well and truly blackmailed.<p>

"Aw, man!" Jacob was still groaning. Jasper whacked him lightly in the chest as he finished untying his shoes.  
>"Okay!" Emmett called. "Now- remove those socks!"<br>We groaned and looked down at our feet and started to remove the garments. Jacob looked down and snickered glumly.  
>"I don't have any socks or shirt on right now- huh, I have a few minutes without removing clothing.<br>Emmett frowned. "Oh- we can't have that!" he tutted and shook his head. "Jacob- for your insolence, you can remove your shorts now!"  
>Jacob's head was full of swear words, but he silently removed his thoughts to reveal tightly fitting boxers. He chucked the shorts at Emmett, who caught them lightly and, to our horror, tore them up before instructing us to remove our shirts. We all reached for buttons, but Emmett shook his head and, yanking us all by the backs of our shirts (except Jacob), tore all our shirts off, ripping them into tiny pieces.<br>"HEY!" Jasper yelled. "That's my favourite-"  
>"TROUSERS OFF!" Emmett yelled, and we all groaned and removed our trousers which Emmett promptly destroyed. We all knew something was coming now- something <em>terrible<em>. The others' thoughts were nervous and horriffied- except for Emmett, who was basking in glee. We all held up a rose and a piece of tape- we had negotiated with blackmail king Emmett so that we could, at least, have a Rose taped over our front.  
>"Right, remove those pants!" Emmett smiled smugly. We all turned around quickly and, slowly, removed our pants. It was a hideous feeling, being totally naked. I cringed, for one of the first times in my vampire life feeling cold. I cringed, and quickly taped the rose over my front. The thoughts coming from the others were those of horror- except Emmett. I was really starting to consider killing him...<br>My pants were snatched from my hand, and a loud shredding noise told me that they were obviously gone.  
>"Ooooooooh!" I heard Emmett snicker. " A jock strap?" The image in my head from Emmett's mind showed a bright red scanty Jock strap, and for a brief moment my thoughts were diverted.<br>"Why, who might own this?" Emmett announced pompously. _Eddie, please check their thoughts and see who owns it._ He thought at me.  
>I didn't want to help him, but I couldn't help checking- it definately wasn't mine.<br>Jacob- No, he owned Y-fronts.  
>Carlisle- No, Jasper- Yes, Emmett- No...<br>Wait- What?  
>Jasper owned a Jock-strap?<br>I couldn't help sniggering.  
>"Weeeeeellll?" Emmett stuck his irritating face into mine. "Whose is it?"<br>Angry as I was at Emmett, I couldn't help chortling as I pushed my face away.  
>"Jasper's."<br>Laughter erupted from everyone, even Carlisle, except Jasper. If he was a human, he probably would have gone red.  
>"Alice bought it for me." He snapped. "They're the height of fashion for guys, apparently.<br>"Whatever." Emmett shrugged his bare shoulders. "Come on- we got streets to run down!"  
>We all groaned again.<p>

So, after a few minutes of stalling, we stepped out of the alleyway into the street. Thank goodness it was cloudy- the thought of sparkling bodies in the streets was even worse, especially since we'd get killed _literally_ by the Volturi afterwards, not just figuratively by the girls.  
>It felt <em>wrong<em> being like this in the streets- strange, bare...  
>Thank goodness nobody had noticed us yet...<br>As if in slow motion, a woman's head turned towards us, her portugese thoughts growing alarmed, her eyes bugging out...  
><strong>"HEY, LOOK!<strong>" she screamed in portugese. "**THEY'RE NAKED!"  
><strong>Suddenly, everyone was staring at us and shouting, their thoughts reflecting our bodies.  
>It was worse than I'd imagined.<br>"Uh-Oh." I murmured. "What do we do?"  
>"RUN!" Emmett yelled, though I could tell he was enjoying this.<br>Suddenly, we were off, our bodies shooting through the streets before anyone could catch us. As Emmett suspected, police started following us furiously.  
>"Guys, don't run too quickly!" I warned them. The speeds dropped, but only by a fraction.<br>"THE BOAT!" Jacob yelled. I breathed a sigh of relief- we were almost there...  
>Suddenly, a group of police officers were in our way, blocking us. We couldn't run back (the street was a dead end, and we could hardly run through it and reveal ourselves) or push through them (that would be rude and could hurt them)- we were trapped.<br>"**HANDS OUT**!" One barked in portugese. I translated to the others, and we reluctantly held our hands out so they could cuff us. All the others were panicking internally- there was no way we could keep this from the girls, unless...  
>YES! The police officers moved aside to cuff Jacob, and we saw it- a way to the boat. The others noticed it too, and before the officers could stop us we sped towards the boat, leaping into it and speeding away as quickly as possible.<br>"Phew!" Jasper sighed. "That was a close one!"  
>"Yeah." Jacob agreed. "We can just break through the cuffs and- yeah."<br>Suddenly, a thought struck me. Horror washed through me, and I sat bolt upright, eyes wide.  
>"Oh no." I wailed.<br>The others turned to me, their faces and thoughts questioning.  
>"How are we going to keep this from the girls." I said quietly. "When EMMETT TORE UP OUR CLOTHES!"<br>The others gasped and leapt back.  
>"Uh-oh..."<br>_This is bad! Ohhhhh man, Ness will totally slaughter me...  
>Alice will be upset enough that expensive clothes were wrecked, not to mention running in the nude...<br>We have to go back and buy more!_ Jacob thought, while crying the same thing.  
>"We can't." Carlisle whispered. "They'll arrest us."<br>Suddenly, we all turned to the Culprit.  
>"EMMETT!" We all snarled in unison, cornering him furiously.<br>"You disgusting little maggot..."  
>"Woah, Woah, Woah guys..." Emmett backed away to the end of the boat, palms up. "You know I'm upset too..."<br>"You deserve it!" Jasper spat. "This is your fault!"  
>"Yeah, If Ness'll kiss me then imagine what Blondie will do!" Jacob agreed.<br>"I'm disappointed in you, son!"  
>"No, No, No." Emmett shook his smug head. "It's not that- It's just that I owe you all 100 bucks and I accidentally tore up my wallet..."<br>That did it. We all snarled and chucked Emmett overboard, just as the island came into view...

Of course, the girls were _furious._  
>"OH MY GOODNESS!" Alice screeched- she was first to the door. The others appeared instantly, and started to snarl.<br>"WHAT. HAPPENED." Bella snarled through gritted teeth in my face. I winced- her sheild was up over all the girls now- not a good sign. I was literally speechless with fear.  
>"I WANT EVERY WORD YOU DECIETFUL MAGGOTT!" Bella screamed in my face, while the other girls said similar things to their husbands.<br>"Emmett." I growled. "You can speak."  
>Emmett stared sadly at us, his eyes wide with horror, though I was partly glad- he deserved to be scared.<br>"I- I can't." he stammered.  
>"Right!" I spat furiously. "<em>I'll<em> speak!"  
>The girls dragged us into the living room harshly and all but threw us to the front of the room.<br>"I'll get some clothes." Alice said angrily, unsmiling as she stomped up the stairs. Bella still shielded her, and it was driving me crazy- probably a punishment for doing this, since she knew that I hated being blocked. A few seconds later, She tossed us some hideous clothes. They were eye-stinging shades of neon in horrible cabbage-rose patterns and styles that hadn't been fashionable since the 60s, adorned with orange and bright blue net frills.  
>"Oh, Alice..." Jasper sighed. "These are <em>horrible...<em>"  
>"I know." Alice said angrily. "Put them on- NOW!"<br>We jumped at Alice's sudden fury, her voice emitting about ten times louder than usual. Sighing, we slid the clothes on, wincing at the hideousness of them.  
>"Right. You-" Bella pointed at me angrily. "-Can tell us what happened."<br>I swallowed uneccessarily and started, describing every detail- except, of course, what Emmett was blackmailing us with. When I finished, I stared at the faces that hadn't even blinked since I started the story and hoped that they would, at least, hold Emmett responsible.  
>Then Esme spoke.<br>"You are in SO much trouble!" she growled at us. The others nodded, and I flinched in surprise and horror.  
>"Wh-What?" I stuttered.<br>"Honey, I had to-" Carlisle stepped forward, but was growled at by his wife, and she leapt across the room away from him, the others following suit.  
>"But Ness, it was all Emmett's fault!" Jacob protested.<br>"Yeah!" Jazz, Carlisle and I chorused.  
>"Heeey!" Emmett whined, but was cut off by Nessie.<br>"Yes, but you WENT ALONG WITH IT!" she snapped. "That makes it so much worse- you gave into peer pressure. You are such and Idiot, Jacob Black."  
><em>Uh oh... She's using my full name- not a good sign...<em> Jacob thought warily. Slowly, I crept forward towards my frozen wife.  
>"Bella, Love..."<br>Bella shot away from me before I could touch her. "It's Isabella to you." she snarled. I backed away, sadly. Bella hated to be called Isabella...  
>"You will be punished." Rosalie announced furiously, the others nodding like bobble-heads in the back of a car.<br>"We will all decide a punishment together. _You_ can go upstairs and get some normal clothes." Esme snapped.  
>We just stood there.<br>"**_NOW_**!"  
>The four of us shot up the stairs, terriffied.<br>**BELLA POV:**  
>"We <em>have<em> to punish them!" Alice snarled, slamming her tiny fist down on a table, leaving a small dent.  
>"But how?" I queried. The five of us, after leaving the guys in the house, had taken the boat out to the middle of the ocean so they couldn't hear our decisions on the punishment. This was a different boat to the small speedboat- it was a huge yacht that Esme had bought recently, equipped with bedrooms, kitchens and the like. After dropping the anchor, we gathered around the table in the kitchen below deck.<br>"Well..." Rosalie considered this for a moment. "What if we punished them individually? Like..." She tugged her gold hair lightly, a habit of hers for when she was thinking. "Um..."  
>"How about each wife punishes her husband the way she thinks fit." Nessie piped up.<br>"Yeah!" Rose yelled, her gold eyes glinting as she grinned evilly. "Lets Chop off Emmett's certain..._ manly parts_..."  
>"No, No, No..." Nessie shook her head, rolling her eyes in the way that my idiot husband did. "We don't want to be <em>too <em>cruel. "  
>I had to admit, it was a good Idea. Slowly, I nodded my head. "Yeah, I understand what you mean, Ness."<br>Alice's perfect mouth split into a massive grin. "So it's agreed... we punish them individually!"  
>We all murmured in agreement, smiling sadistically at the thought of punishing our husbands. We still loved them, of course, but we had to get back at them.<br>"OK." Alice decided. "Step one: Bella, you need to block us all for the next few days."  
>I nodded, and stretched the block out my head. After decades of practice, it was effortless. I stretched it into the girls' heads, fastening it- a tactic Elezear had told me to develop the last time we saw the Denalis. Once I fastened it, the shield would block their heads no matter how far they were from me. Once I had fastened the shield, It was over their heads for <em>days<em> until I unfastened it- the most powerful development of my talent.  
>"Now, Alice, can you see any ways we can punish them?" I asked. We were unbreathing as Alice shut her golden eyes and was still for a few moments. Then her perfect skin puckered as she screwed up her stone face and tried to concentrate. Finally, she shook her head and we all sighed sadly.<br>"You haven't made decisions yet." Alice announced. "I think that we should all make spur-of-the-moment decisions. Just in case... Ok, let's put our punishment Ideas to a vote. Who votes that we should punish them creatively and individually?"  
>"Ok." Rosalie smiled eagerly.<br>"Yeah." I agreed.  
>"Yup."<br>"Mm-Hmm." Esme smiled. I couldn't help but be a little surprised- I wasn't too sure Esme would be fond of the Idea of punishing the guys."  
>"OK." Alice smirked smugly. "We punish them."<p>

But how did we punish them? I spent the rest of the day thinking of a way of punishing Edward, yet I was still stunted. That night, I refused to speak to him- not only because I was angry, but because I was deep in thought. However, it came to me that night.

I walked into the bathroom, glaring at Edward as I went past. He sighed, but continued to run Gel through his hair. Furiously, I picked up my hairbrush and yanked it through my hair. It was strange that, after many years as a vampire, I still half-expected to find hairs in my immaculate brush. Edward, meanwhile, was still fussing over his own hair. Angrily, I started tugging my hair into a braid harshly.  
>"Bella..."<br>I instantly moved away, glaring at Edward. "Don't even talk to me, Edward."  
>Edward sighed as he twisted his hair into perfect dissarray. "Look, I'm <em>sorry.<em>"  
>It was then that I had an Idea. Slowly, I slunk up to Edward, forcing a smile onto my face.<br>"Of course I forgive you." I purred. Edward looked stunned.  
>"Really?"<br>"Of course!" I smiled seductively at him. "How about a little kiss to prove my forgiveness?"  
>Edward smiled my favourite crooked smile. "Of course." he leaned in, pushing me towards the wall and locking his mouth onto mine. If he hadn't been kissing me, I would have laughed.<br>Edward was so caught up in the kiss he didn't notice me silently opening the bathroom drawer...

**ALICE POV:**  
>A loud cry emitted from Bella and Edward's bathroom. I straightened up from my seat in my wardrobe where I was trying on shoes- Jasper had been confined to one of the downstairs couches along with Emmett and I was amusing myself- and smiled evilly.<br>I couldn't see what Bella did, but I knew that she had punished Edward somehow. Suddenly, the door to my wardrobe burst open, Bella racing in and laughing maliciously, something clutched in her fists.  
>"Bella? What did you do?"<br>But before she answered, Edward burst in, and I couldn't help laughing too.  
>"Edward, you girl." I snorted.<br>Edward spun around and snarled at me. "THIS IS SERIOUS!" He hissed, before turning back to Bella.  
>"How could you, love?" he whined.<br>"How could _you_ arrive home butt naked?" Bella retorted, arms folded across her chest smugly. "It serves you right."  
>"But it's HIDEOUS!" Edward looked horrified as he touched his head. I had to agree with him, it did- and that was why it was so brilliant.<br>"Good job, Bella." I approved as I studied Edward's head. "How on earth did you do it?"  
>Edward snarled, and Bella chuckled. I had to say, I was totally impressed. Somehow, Bella had gotten to Edward before he noticed- and now mr I-love-my-looks had to face the consequences for what they did.<br>Edward's hair was now a lovely shade of... (Drum roll)... _Purple_?  
>I snickered as I surveyed his hair- it was a metallic purple, the way old ladies sometimes rinsed their hair. But worse, his hair had also been cropped shorter, some parts the length they had been, some parts less than an inch from his scalp. Overall, he looked... stupid.<br>"Good job." I repeated, beginning to circle Edward so I could get the whole effect. "Where did you get the hair dye?"  
>Bella shrugged. "Nessie bought some yesterday to streak her hair. But she changed her mind, and I took it off her hands. I was going to throw it away, but it came in handy."<br>"Definitely did." I approved, ignoring Edward's outraged snarls. "Well, one down... four to go. I wonder how Rose is going to deal with Emmett."

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><p><strong>Right. I have a serious author's note now.<br>For those who have read some of my other fics, and enquired as to why they weren't being updated, I'll clear it up. Several have been put on hiatus, and I'll post the list in a few fics (like this) as well as on my profile. Some are temporary, some are on permanent hiatus.  
><strong>**HIATUS LIST:  
><em>Twilight<em>  
>* Tanya, portrait of a woman. (BEING REWRITTEN)<br>* Wolf girl (VERY BRIEF HIATUS: I have writer's block on that one, but I'm getting a few Ideas.)  
>* Makeover oneshots (Same status as wolf girl)<br>* Vampires in the attic (I have no Idea what to do with this one, but I'm hoping to finish it soon)  
>*Extreme Makeovers (Probably permanent Hiatus. But I might pick it up.)<br>_St Trinian's_  
><strong>***Wedding (I'm a bit stuck with this one, but I hope to pick it up soon)  
><strong>**Hope I cleared any questions up for a few people. **

* * *

><p><strong>:) <strong>


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